April 11, 2011 – A day in my life I will never forget…
We had already failed 4 IUIs, and had finally moved on to IVF. I (foolishly) thought we would find success the first time around and so had told almost everyone. When I got the call that day I was crushed. I was in disbelief. What’s worse? I was now being flooded with text messages and phone calls from people anxiously anticipating our good news!! It was nearly unbearable. I actually ended up posting a status on FaceBook about drinking a dirty martini to try to head off additional messages.
After that, I began shutting down and shutting people out. I went back to doing what I do best…. keeping my feelings/troubles hidden from everyone. It was easier that way. I didn’t have to deal with the feelings of letting others down. By the 4th round of IVF I could probably count on 1 hand the people who actually knew what we were doing. (And only TWO people, my sisters- Angela and Jen, who actually knew the good, bad, and ugly of what I was going through personally.)
After the announcement of our pregnancy I decided to become an “open book” on our infertility journey. Since I had literally tracked everything…medicine doses, follicle counts, the number of injections, etc. No question was off limits (and I’ve had some dozies) because I didn’t want anyone else going through it with no one to really talk to about it.
When we began talking of transferring our final embryo I thought long and hard about shutting back down for the process, but the foundation was so strong on my mind that I knew bringing everyone along to walk with us could only be a positive experience. The prayers, comments, messages, etc. were overwhelming, and I knew we had made the right decision. I was looking forward to sharing everything…. the preparation of the cycle, the transfer, and of course the news of a pregnancy. I couldn’t WAIT to rejoice with all of you.
Unfortunately, that is not to be. The call today confirms the transfer was not successful and I am not pregnant. I’m not going to lie…it stings. I guess even when you have kids the pain of that phone call never goes away. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I feel as if I let everyone down, but I know there is nothing else I could have done.
After 6 long years, our story now has a beginning – full of pain, disappointment and heartache. A middle filled with the most incredible joy, sleepless nights, and amazing blessings. And now an end. Although still a bit painful to get the call, the sound of Bexleigh talking to herself in the monitor while she fights her nap right now is bringing tears of joy.
Some say they won’t let their personal struggles define them. I feel the exact opposite. This struggle has changed every fiber of my being. It has most certainly defined me. The thing is…. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It has given me patience, perspective, and forced me to look beyond myself to help others.
So, here’s my drink….(I didn’t have enough olive juice for a dirty martini, so champagne will have to do) … not to discourage the phone calls and messages this time, but to say “thank you” to all of you who walked this with us.
While I’m sorry I’m not able to deliver the fairy tale ending to this story, I AM celebrating my most incredibly blessed life and will continue to thank God for the miracles he delivered through CCRM! This IS my Happily Ever After!!
I pray that my work through the Foundation will be able to bring that same Happily Ever After to others!!
Love to you all!!!