Triggers – infertility pregnancy and miscarriage…
After we announced our pregnancy in 2012, I became an “open book” to our infertility struggles. I wanted people to stop suffering in silence, and share their stories. It’s part of the reason we started Starfish Infertility Foundation. I guess I just never thought our story would have another chapter….. 3 weeks ago, I found myself (shockingly) pregnant after being unable to shake a 2 week “sickness.” With less than a 1% chance of ever conceiving (after all, it took us 8 different procedures to have the twins) my body had made it all too clear that pregnancy was not it’s forte, yet there it was in 2 pink lines. We rushed to an u/s clinic the next day hoping to see something, anything….and there it was….the tiniest flicker of a heartbeat. After the shock wore off, the excitement rolled in. We wanted nothing more than to celebrate this life. Sadly, we later learned this little bub was only meant to have wings, and so would not join us this side of Heaven. Unfortunately, my body didn’t get the message, so my numbers continued to grow, along with my sickness. There is nothing worse than “being” pregnant with such terrible sickness, and no baby. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry. I am. I’m SO confused as to why this was placed on us after what we had already been through. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn from this, as right now It just feels like the cruelest of jokes. I feel guilty because we have been blessed with 2 of the most beautiful children ever created, and I know SO many people would kill to be us. Mostly, I think I’m still numb. Part of me doesn’t want to allow the sadness or the feeling of failure in, so I’m blocking it out. I ended up having a D&C yesterday (side note – if this is not something you agree with, keep it to yourself) because I couldn’t stand the thought of experiencing it naturally, so I allowed myself this “luxury.” Physically, I have done a 180 because of it, so I’m grateful! We will hold our Littles even tighter than before, as we know how precious these lives are, and we will pray for Our hearts to heal.
To those of you who walked this journey with us, I cannot thank you enough for all of your love and support. Kara and Brandon
