Moving forward, but in need of Extra Prayers!


I had my lining recheck yesterday, and was hoping for better news…

Even with the increase in meds, it has only thickened by .5mm.  CCRM’s “optimal” number is 8, and I am currently sitting at 7.5.

I spoke with my nurse last night, and she was trying to get Dr. Schoolcraft to review and give his recommendation.  Ultimately it is our decision, so she told us to “think about it” while waiting to hear from the Dr.  In the world of infertility, there are SO many variables, that this is an almost impossible task.

The good?  My blood work numbers (progesterone and estrogen) look great.  My lining has a nice “triple pattern” that they look for.  The bad?  It’s not as thick as they would like to see it.  Our options?  Move forward and implant, or cancel this cycle and try again.

Here’s the thing… if we cancel, there is NO guarantee that it will be any better.  It is also no guarantee that it will have a nice triple pattern to it, so I may just exchange one problem for another.  As my nurse so nicely reminded me…”you’re almost 40 now”  Ha!  Thanks!  I ALWAYS forget that!  NOT!!

I was truly struggling last night with what to do.  It is overwhelming to think that your decision could truly affect whether or not an embryo has a chance at life.  I prayed for an answer, and woke up this morning praying again.  I just need clarity.  I need to know that I can live with the decision that’s made.  If it doesn’t work, will I be OK with the fact that I didn’t just cancel and try again?  Or be ok with the fact that I DID cancel, getting a BFN (big fat negative in the IF world) and I SHOULD have just pushed through the 1st round?

I just need someone to tell me what to do!

Most people have been telling me (and I have been telling others) that if it doesn’t work, I’ll be OK.  We still have 2 beautiful babies to hug everyday.  To be honest.. I only say that because saying what I really want to say makes me feel like the most unappreciative, selfish person in the world.  By saying to the world “I WANT this child.  I will be DEVASTATED if it doesn’t work” makes me feel like I don’t appreciate the ones I have.  It makes me feel selfish because I know there are THOUSANDS of others who continue to fight the battle of infertility for their first.  The thing is, now that I know what it’s like to HAVE a child, I can’t imagine the chance of another failing! It’s our last shot, and I want it to work.

My nurse called this morning and told me she had reviewed everything with Dr. Schoolcraft, and he wanted to move forward.  I told her I was still struggling, and wanted to talk it over with Brandon one more time.

Then it hit me…. I have ALWAYS trusted CCRM and Dr. Schoolcraft to do/recommend what’s best for me (even when I thought they were crazy for putting me on LESS meds for our IVF cycle than I had ever been on) and I have the 2 most beautiful littles to show for it.  WHY should this be any different?

I finally have the clarity I have so desperately prayed for, and we are moving forward!!!  Transfer is set for Monday!!!  I’m both excited and terrified at the same time, but I know this is the right path for us.  Here we come Denver!!!